Fans of shock jock Howard Stern know that he likes using condoms, but that’s not too surprising given his oft-reported small size and easily aroused, hornball reputation. But for many of the rest of us, condoms can be a real hassle, an inconvenience, or even a barrier to a fulfilling night. Why?
1. One Size Does Not Fit All.
It’s hard to get a good fit. For those of us who don’t quite have any business buying Magnums or Pee Wees, it’s tough to find something that fits comfortably but stays on for the duration (losing one is not fun). You don’t want something too tight (seriously), too loose (see above), or wrongly shaped. The last brand I tried I could not get on at all (boy was that frustrating).
2. Too Thick or Too Thin.
Very thick condoms depress me so much I’d rather not have sex at all, because I feel more from walking down the street. Very thin condoms are much more exciting — in large part because they break so frequently, making it seem like you’re playing horizontal Russian Roulette.
3. Buying Condoms is Horribly Embarassing.
I’ve heard of normally law-abiding people getting arrested for shoplifting because they were too embarrassed to show condoms to the store clerk. This makes sense to me. I personally put a great deal of thought into where I buy condoms, always trying to order online (this can be perilous though, depending on the name on the shipping label). Plus, there is a longer waiting time than buying a handgun, unless you splurge for express shipping.
Bodegas are the worst places because you have to ask for them behind the counter, and they usually only come in 3-packs, which doesn’t give you much room for error. Pharmacies and discount stores can be maddening when they place condoms behind locked glass, requiring you to go find the pimple-faced manager with the key, making you feel like more of a degenerate. Speaking of shopping, a friend of mine from high school used to joke, “Ramses, Trojan, Sheik. Are we going to have sex or conquer ancient Egypt?”
4. Timing Can Be Tricky.
Another friend of mine told me she wishes she was bi, because when she hooked up with a friend in college she discovered that it’s much easier to get things going between two women, and for much longer, because “there aren’t so many things that need to happen, in the right order.”
I find that unless you are 18 or on the blue pill, it can be tough to have things ready to get the condom on at the right time, especially if you are not 100% comfortable with your partner. A weekend at home might require a whole box of condoms, given natural cycles.
5. Disposal is Icky.
You know when you wake up after a good night, and hop out of bed to get two glasses of water, and set foot on a slick? Yeah, that’s gross. I’m also always paranoid that no matter how many times I wrap up condoms and wrappers in tissue, my roommates or friendly garbage workers will see it and assume I’m some depraved heathen.
6. It Can Break the Mood.
It’s true that one often doesn’t have a condom on the scene. I used to carry one in my wallet, but stopped because 1) several times I reached for a business card and knocked it out in front of people, which was mortifying. 2) I was told that wallets wear condoms out quickly and can make them fail. Unless you are Don Johnson it can be a bit awkward to break the mood and go find something, especially given point 3.
7. They Don’t Feel As Good.
No matter how technologically advanced, it can be hard to forget that you have a piece of material between you and your lover. In the fascinating book Dark Star Safari, Paul Theroux laments that a prominent African he meets decries condoms, since they prevent “skeen to skeen” contact. Yet Africa staggers under terrible HIV rates (in another disturbing passage, Theroux relates a commonly encountered folk belief from his travels: that one can be cured of HIV by having sex with a virgin, the younger the better).
I’ve heard lambskin condoms feel better, but they do not prevent against STDs, due to tiny holes, plus they creep me out. The only other creature’s skin I wear is leather shoes, and I at least have socks on then. Speaking of tiny holes, Theroux wrote that many Africans he met believe laytex condoms are bogus anyway, since they are filled with tiny holes. Yet they cannot explain how rubber tires somehow manage to stay inflated…
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